Pain and Acceptance

Boy I needed this one this morning. 

Having arthritis or whatever this is that's bending my apendages... 

It doesn't hurt. 

So I should be fine. 

But it's not just bent apendages. 

It's joint pain in other places, sore muscles that shouldn't be sore, shortness of breath when I've bent too often.

Add in an overactive imagination.....and you have me waking up scared to death that my hands and feet are going to curl into claws; that I'm going to be some helpless, crippled, tangled mass of a human being.  

Yeah. 

I woke up and cried. Then I got in the shower and cried some more, begging God to help me through this phase, then I talked to Bill,  now I'm telling ya'll. 

And it is a phase. 

I went through the same thing with my back, I know the emotional upheaval well. 

My independence,  my ability to do and to serve.....it's me, a part of me. 

Losing that, even a piece of it....

Terrifies me. 

Will everyone leave me?

Will I be useless as well as helpless? 

Will life mean anything or will be endless days of just waiting for it all to end?

I guess that depends on me. 

I knew perfectly healthy people who might as well have been dead for all the living they did. 

If I cut people out,  if I'm hateful or snippy, if I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself all the time....then yes, that's exactly what will happen.  

My choice, even if my body stops completely,  I'm still here, God is still here.  

Jesus died for all of us, my body is a shell....it's a container.  He is bigger than my walking Tupperware body. 

So I'm dealing with myself and everything this little upset has uncovered.  

You can't grow without storms and chaos. 

We don't have to like it,  but it's a part of the process of living.  

And I'm grateful, thankful, and blessed.  

Hope you're all doing well, having a good day, and God bless.