Pain In The.....

Good advice. 

Think I'll take it..

I've been dealing with more pain lately.  

And a disturbing thing that isn't painful but will be intrusive if it keeps up. I have toes I can't bend and a pinky I can't straighten.  

It's the darndest thing,  it's not painful, just annoying.  But how long before annoying becomes a problem? 

See, there's the rub. 

Point being that my body is going through a phase,  only instead of a growth spurt (I'm shrinking,  seriously,  growth spurt would be AWESOME), I'm pretty sure my arthritis is getting worse and spreading.  

Well, joy. 

As a matter of course,  I've been having difficulty sleeping.  Melatonin seems to be an acceptable assistance for this problem. 

The other night I slept for the 1st time in days,  it was so nice. 

I was looking forward to a good rest last night, catching up on some missed sleep,  feeling better. 

Only.....I forgot my nightly pills. 

All of my night pills are for my back.  

I was having twinges all night.

Nothing I did, no position,  no amount of time would make it stop. 

I spent the night tossing, turning, and dozing. 

And it's okay. 

You're looking at those words going "No, it's not okay". 

Yes, it really is. 

I spent 4 years fighting my pain, fighting Tyson's,  fighting my depression and anger,  fighting to accept this as the new me. 

It took getting answers. It took 8 doctors, several xrays, an MRI,  and 4 years to finally be told there was nothing they could do. 

Plenty they could try, might work, wouldn't work for long regardless.  

I can get surgery,  but not until it's MUCH worse because the risks outweigh the benefits right now. 

But I KNEW. 

No more false hope, no more questions about what was wrong and if it could be fixed. 

I knew, I had to live with it. 

And THAT'S  what I needed. 

Answers. 

From that moment until now, and God willing forever after, I've accepted what is. I let go of the negative emotions.

Pain has moved into my body, it is a roommate I didn't ask for, one I can't throw out, and one I would prefer never to have to live with. 

I can live my best in spite of it, or I can let it run and consequently ruin me.  

So I drown it out, I ignore it, and when I can't ignore it I pray through it. 

Last night; being painful, frustrating,  disappointing,  and miserable....was a blessing because it reminded me of how fortunate I am to have medication that drowns out the pain and the constant noise it makes.  

I get used to it, the medication,  the level of pain those meds afford me. Then when it gets bad I tend to drift towards misery....wondering if worse will be the new normal.  

A reminder of how much the medication helps, of how bad the pain really is,  of how blessed I am to have the relief I have....

That's priceless. 

It is a blessing. 

Now I have taken all my pills, I am content that my nerves have quieted down,  and I'm so very tired.....a nap is in order. 

I'm going to enjoy my nap, and the rest of this glorious day,  and wish you all a most beautiful weekend.  

God bless.