This was between storm fronts. A very welcome sight, I needed it.
Reprieve.
We all need one from time to time.
Today God is pointing me through some emotional baggage.
I don't like it, I'm not happy, but I will be once I'm through it.
My "I'm not good enough " perked back up today, only I'm realizing it isn't how I feel at all.
It's a trained response.
When mom would have episodes, or sometimes whole seasons of psychosis and depression, I learned at an early age to try to read her moods.
I was too young to leave, too young to articulate what was happening in an effective way.
So I adapted.
I had to read what she said, her body language, and the only thing that made her slow her roll was when I humbled myself to her.
Not too much, not to little.
Just enough so she knew she had me cowed.
I'm not putting her down.
She was sick, she had a lot of problems that went untreated most of her life. I think she did pretty good with what she was given.
And none of that helps me get out of the habit of cowing myself any time I'm criticized.
None of that helps me stop beating myself up out of habit.
And I'm frustrated.
Every time I think I have this thing beat...there's another root popping up, another scar to open up.
It's okay, the healing will be worth all the pain. The journey sucks, the destination.....totally worth the suck.
Okay, on to yard pictures, because it helps me and makes me happy.
Our allium are finally blooming. Just in time to replace the withered tulips.
There's more to come as the temps stay warm.
I think the insect world is playing it safe after that late winter blast, but it won't be long.
Should be an interesting summer.
You all take care, have a good weekend, and God bless!
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