Hits Keep Coming

After over a month of waiting on tests the answer is in. 

It's not rheumatoid arthritis. 

I should be thrilled,  and part of me is.  I'm very grateful to God that I don't have an autoimmune disorder,  or need yet more medication.  

There is a part of me that's very disappointed,  ra meant something could be done, ra meant answers and hope. 

Advanced osteoarthritis just means another thing causing me pain and fatigue that I have to live with. 

It means over time my fingers will continue to turn into claws, my toes will continue to bend, my knees will give out, my back will be unbearable.  

Pain.

It just means pain. 

I felt very sorry for myself yesterday after I got the news. I wanted to bawl, knowing it wouldn't help, just to get it out. 

This morning....

I'm still digesting the implications but at least now I can prepare, research, educate myself.  

At least now I know. 

I keep saying that,  like it makes everything okay. 

It doesn't. 

It's not okay. 

But it's not forever either. 

Not that I'm wishing for death, just that it's a comfort knowing that after I die I'll be free of this. Safe in God's hands,  no pain. 

I'm not sure I'll know what to do without pain. 

But...

Right now I have a life to live, and I owe it to God and myself to make it a good life. 

So that's what I'm going to work on. 

God bless.