Weight Loss

I can't get below 168. 

I want to get down to 150, then back myself slowly down to 130. 

I'm 178 right now.

I was dropping weight when I quit all my medication and had gotten to 168, I was excited.  

Now I'm on insulin and my doctor tells me that it causes weight gain. 

Eat less, move more. 

Rinse, repeat. 

I'll get there. 

Will I? 

Starting to wonder.

It feels like a lost cause. 

I'm sick of trying and not seeing results.  And I know I need to keep at it, even just to maintain, but it's discouraging. 

I like food.

It's good, it's comforting,  and it's always there. 

Emotional eating. 

Yep.

That's a problem. 

Solutions? 

Because eat less, move more doesn't cut out the root problem. It may work, but 1st I have to stop leaning on food for stability and support.  

So I started reading this morning and I looked into food being an idol. 

I am a glutton. 

I eat until I'm full instead of simply satisfied.  

I eat foods I enjoy without regard to healthier options.  

I eat when I'm upset, angry, worried,  bored.....

And what I'm realizing is that I take food for granted.  It's available, it's varied, and it's a need. Makes it super easy to eat without much thought. 

But I wouldn't have food without God. 

And I need to put God before food. 

God doesn't want me to hurt my body with something he provided for sustenance.....to sustain. 

Not to indulge. 

To survive and thrive. 

And what I read suggested tithing 10% of my food to God. 

1: Everything I eat is a gift, acknowledge that.

2: Set aside 10% of my plate to God. 

3: Stop when I'm satisfied,  if I'm stuffed...I overindulged.  

4: If I catch myself eating out of anything except hunger,  I need to give that emotion to God and seek his word before I seek a bite. 

Mindfulness. 

Habit breaking. 

A LOT  of habit breaking. 

Because I didn't get a lot of safety,  stability, support, love, encouragement, or comfort growing up.....but I was always allowed to eat. Food was a given. In fact I'll go as far as to say food was love. No matter what mood mom was in or how much she hated and resented me at any given moment,  I was expected to eat.

"Eat! Have some more!  What you don't like it? Well you didn't finish, you didn't get seconds!"

Oh my, there it is. 

If you don't eat you're wasting food, wasting money, throwing my love in my face. 

If you don't get more you're not easing my insecurities and telling me that the one thing I think I do well is really good. 

Emotional blackmail......eat or you're insulting me,  eat or you don't love me,  eat because it's the only thing I won't withhold from you.  

Guys.

I get tired of uncovering childhood trauma. 

Just once it would be nice to say "Well I'm stupid" and walk away with no underlying issues to sort. 

I should have seen this coming last night though. 

My son called me to get my opinion on a speech he's working on for college.  Everyone kept interrupting him to come eat. The one time he didn't go eat with them because he was on the phone with a suicidal friend,  they jumped all over him because food was of the utmost importance.  

Food, money....the most important. 

Before God. 

Before each other.

Food.

Money.

Ego.

All hail. 

Oh boy. 

I've conquered money.

I've conquered pride. 

Time to conquer food. 

So sneaky too, I don't know why I didn't see it before.  Something clicked in the back of my mind last night, listening to that exchange, and it didn't truly set in until I wrote it down just now. 

Man. 

Well thank you Lord for the revelation. 

Now I need your help healing it. 

God bless.