Meanderings

I got down yesterday. 

I love my kids but they both disrespect me at times, especially when they are going through their own problematic seasons.  

I think they know mom will love them unconditionally,  maybe they're testing that, I don't know.  

I know it's hard for me, and when I'm going through my own season it's even worse. 

My movements are limited physically, our money is limited, our time is limited, and every year around this time I fight birthday depression severely.  

This year has been no exception. 

Yesterday hit hard.

I wasn't feeling well, my son was testing me, hubby has to work this weekend, and I am having a hard time staying off this foot when there is constant work to do. 

But mostly it was brought on because I couldn't figure out why my kids seem to always take their problems out on me instead of coming to me. 

What's wrong with me?

Boy, that is the wrong road to travel down when you're already fighting depression. 

So I bawled, I wallowed, I felt more and more useless.....

And then I turned on a sermon. 

I hit my knees, bawling, and asked Jesus for help.

I kept praising, I kept waiting. 

My kids aren't mistreating me because of me. They are mistreating me because of them. I have to put a stop to taking responsibility for other people  and how they act. 

God put me here, and he has a purpose for me. My focus needs to be him and being the best me I can be. 

If I can help you in the process, great, but you are your own problem.  I don't owe you anything.  I owe myself respect,  and until I start giving it to myself I won't command it from others. 

That's my responsibility.  

And it's no accident that I get depressed every year. 

It's called a familiar spirit.

A familiar spirit is just that, an evil spirit or demon who is familiar with you and your weaknesses.  

At some point in my past, most likely when everything exploded on my 16th birthday,  I gave it authority over that day by accepting that if I hadn't been a failure the drama wouldn't have happened. 

Well guess what?

Maybe, if I had made better choices that day would have been better.  Maybe.

Or maybe my crazy, depressed, angry, hateful, jealous mother would have taken her problems out on me regardless of the situation simply because that was my role in her life at that time....punching bag. 

The only thing I should be depressed about is that I let her actions, again,have a lasting impression on my life. 

So I revoked the authority. 

No more familiar spirit.

And so far, no more depression. 

God has blessed me with a life, a good life full of good people,  and I refuse to let anyone or anything rob me of rejoicing in that blessing.  

God is taking me through something.  I asked to be a better, more humble servant.  I asked for strength,  wisdom, patience,  and a kinder heart.  

💫Ta-da💫

Hard times either break you or grow you. Your choice. 

I choose to be a flower. 🌺