Purging Some Things

I love sunsets,  sunrise, the sky. 

God's constant gift, always different and beautiful.  

Even storms are as beautiful as they can be terrifying.  

I was fortunate to have a long conversation with our Pastor yesterday and through that conversation God pointed out some things I haven't really sorted yet. 

I'm sharing those things here.

With you.

Because writing helps.

Because putting it out there for me is like a release. 

And it's extremely therapeutic.  

I'm very emotion based. 

Why?

When you grow up with someone mentally and emotionally unstable,  you learn to read people, read the room. 

You have to know in an instant if you're expected to be happy, sad, angry, cautious. If I was happy when mom was in a bad mood I would get in trouble for being in the wrong mood. So I suppressed everything that was me so that I could adapt to every part of her. 

I tend to be a little put off by people who seem to be oblivious to other people's feelings,  forgetting that not everyone has the experience or ability to read and adapt like I do. 

And it's okay to feel differently than others.  You're not obligated to be sad or mad just because someone else is.  

I know that, in my head I know it.

In my heart though, there's a small compartment where that child lives who thinks we're going to be in trouble if we don't adapt, if we can't spin on a dime. 

I've spent so much of my life trying to escape from that child and her memories, her problems....sometimes I ignore her existence. That she still needs love, answers, clarity, healing.  

Overthinking. 

I am an overthinker. 

I analyze, organize, sort, polish, look at all the sides, push all the buttons. 

I need to understand everything.  

Especially problems.  

If something isn't solved right away I want to know why?

It's a form of control.

I used to be worse, believe it or not. 

It's a repercussion of emotional and mental abuse. 

Having to be not only on guard, but to predict a situation,  to find all the ways something is your fault because at least if you apologize you won't catch it so bad or hear about it as long. 

And the parent is an overthinker.  

Constantly going over the past and rehashing things. 

Sound familiar? 

Yeah....

And you know, I'm seriously done with it. 

In ways it's been a gift.

Being emotionally sensitive has taught me how to be there for people and how to deal with people on a level most don't ever get to unless it's a deep relationship. 

Overthinking has led me to some really awesome self discovery and helped me through an insane amount of internal damage. 

I don't want to become callous. 

I don't want to become nonchalant and stop growing.  

I just want to be balanced. 

I want to be healthy. 

And you can't help others get better if you can't admit your own weaknesses.

But you also can't help anyone else if you're in constant need of reassurance either. 

It's a proces.

Much like the sunrise and sunset, it ends up beautiful, even on the ugly days.