Fear

Dinner tonight was split pea soup and bierocks. First time making the soup,  and it's all mine since Bill Dear still doesn't like peas, 🤭. Works for me though, gives me something for lunch this week. 

Pastor asked people to come up today and say what they were thankful for.  I volunteered to speak first because God has just done so much for us.  

Only the minute I saw that microphone all I wanted to do was get done and sit back down. So instead of glorifying God's goodness,  I just stated all the good things that have happened and sat back down. 

And it's not a big deal. Someone remarked how much guts it took to go up first. But it really bothers me that I could have done better.  So many people were so eloquent and said such meaningful things with such heart. 

I want to overcome that fear, to make an impact with what I say. 

And I feel bad because I feel like I let God down. I had a chance to make an impact and I failed. How am I supposed to be a shining light for God if I don't know how to talk to people?

And I know I shouldn't feel bad, use it as a learning opportunity.  Just really don't want to mess up. This is so important to me. A next step. 

I've been fighting that old niggle,  that thought that I should just melt into the background because I can't do anything right. 

And you know what that tells me? 

I'm going in the right direction. When the devil starts hitting you with old habits, old mantras,  old ways of thinking and reacting....you're doing something right and satan doesn't want you going further. 

So I'm going to keep moving, keep praising and praying,  and keep learning how to do better. 

Mistakes are supposed to be stepping stones to learning, not an anchor to weight you down.